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Still learning from mom

Yes, I’m grieving out loud! I have to, or I will internalize all of these emotions, and I may become physically ill and unable to rise to the occasion of this moment. So, please know I’m not dishonoring my mother or the sacredness of this moment. I’m preparing to honor her both as her daughter and as my fellow clergy. And I want to support my family as both.


My mother is Mom, mentor, teacher, prophet, and friend to me. And she can be all those things in one conversation. One day, she started calling me Pal, and I have loved hearing her call me that ever since. 


Being here with my mother, as she is transitioning from this life into eternity, is a moment that feels so surreal. Even in her space, writing these words, I feel her presence and peace. Looking at her table with her sewing machine and her Bible made me smile. Grateful for all the garments she made for me and the Words of wisdom that came from countless hours studying the Word of God. I found a note that said, "Listen" and "Silent" are spelled with the same letters. Yes, a teacher always!


I have cried, lamented, hollered, and fallen to my knees from the pain of this moment being here and avoidable for me; one I (we) must face. All I know is my heart hurts! I’m searching for peace and gratitude. I know prayer, gratitude, and worship will carry me through this time. They are the spiritual tools to access the Throne of Grace.


But through it all, I feel a great sense of pride! I’m in awe of this woman of such great faith. My mother is amazing! An undeniable, strong, enduring, mountain-moving kind of faith. And even in this moment, she continues to teach me (us) what it means to walk with God.


I arrived just after midnight on Saturday morning. By the grace of God, I’ve been able to sit with her, hug her, kiss her, and even have a sermonette session with her and my son Stephen, who had called to share a Word from his early morning devotion. Yes, the calling is generational. 


Later in the morning, Mom and I read Proverbs 3:1–10 together. Verses 5–7 have long been her favorite: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”


I told her, “Mom, you’ve lived this Scripture to the fullest.” She smiled gently and said, “Yes.” Then she shared something I will never forget, as it was prolific and prophetic: “Pam, I know I have somewhere to go. The Lord came to me and asked me, ‘Daughter, why don’t you come on home?” She told Him she asked for more time—because her children still needed her.


I was astonished! I told her, “I know, Mom. God already spoke to me, too. He said, “Why are you looking for the dead among the living?” At that moment, I knew I wouldn’t find her at the point of death. She had asked for more time, and God has honored her request. And she said, “Amen”. I told her I know she’s not going until God says, ‘Daughter, it’s time to come on home.’ She said, “Yes, and then I’ll go.”


What an honor to know God so deeply and to walk with Him so intimately that you can hear His voice, respond with peace, and even ask for more time, like Joshua did when he prayed for the sun to stand still (Joshua 10:12-13). What faith! What love! What a relationship!


In her life, and now in her passing, my mother is showing me what it means to finish strong. Her faith still abides; it’s growing brighter, clearer, and stronger. I’ve decided to sit in this holy space with her, as I also realize she wants me to get the lesson. I am mourning, and will mourn, but I’m also learning how to carry that legacy forward.


Hebrews 11:6 says, “But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.”


My mother has diligently sought Him all her life. For now, I’m sitting, waiting, yielding, and still, praying, loving, and listening.


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